I have not forgotten about this blog. I do intend to continue to update it, as I can. Everything just gets tied up and complicated and forgotten sometimes.
I'm going back to school next semester. I'm not committing to going back to getting a degree--right now i'm just taking classes out of boredom and a desire to study these subjects--I'm taking a Spanish class and a Literature class. My long-term aspiration--I want to read "One Hundred Years of Solitude" in spanish.
We'll see how it turns out. I'm not very good at going to school. It's a skill I never really perfected.
I watched the movie Jesus Christ, Vampire Hunter the other night. I'm not going to say that it's a good movie, because then i would be lying. But I will say that I enjoyed it. That's sort of fair.
I also went out to catch indie buzz movie "(500) Days of Summer." The soundtrack is all the rage in the indie scene and Zooey Deschenal and Joseph Gordon-Levitt are two of my favorite actors. I thought it was mostly an average sort of movie. Had some good moments--I appreciate the resolution of the main storyline between Summer & Tom. The soundtrack was cliched indie-folk music, and had two songs by the Smiths on it. And featured Regina Spektor prominately. That part I liked. The little sister character was fun. I liked her. the best part, though, was over within seconds of the movie starting, a caption that reads..."Author's Note: The following is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. Especially you Jenny Beckman. Bitch."
I also started watching "True Blood" from HBO. So far, good enough, though i'm certianly not willing to be a bandwagon-ite.
I am now going to watch a movie with Bruce Campbell in it, appropriately titled "My Name is Bruce." apparently, some town involved with an alien invastion mistakes Bruce for his most famous character, Ash. Good. bad. he's the guy with the gun. and the chin.
Speaking of killing (well, we are now), i've decided that I like my orange juice with enough pulp to obstruct the breathing of small children.
And so with that note, i'm going to pour some OJ, and then watch Bruce Campbell.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Start Travelling There
I can't get the blogging-novel idea out of my head, but I did quickly abandon the down/out poker player character. He wasn't working, never really did, and I certainly don't want to start walking down that path with a forced, unemployed character.
Another old character, storyline, that i've been toying with for awhile popped into mind and would probably work pretty well. the concept is titled "Reflections" (though that probably wouldn't be the final title), and is subtitled "A Fairy Tale for Grown-ups." Mostly it centers around the concept of a character who's mirror (and any other reflective surface nearby) doesn't reflect his own view--rather it reflects the view from someone else on the other side of the country. I think it could make for a fascinating movie--if i were doing it, i would actually film two movies, blue-out all the mirrors, glass, and reflective surfaces, and superimpose the second movie over the bluescreened reflective surfaces. Subtley, not so in-your-face like. Then, later, you could release the second movie (either to DVD or if you're lucky back in the theatres) with the first movie in the reflections. the trick would be to somehow make the two movies cross over in subtle ways that they would enhance each other in small bits and pieces but enough that it's worth doing.
Somehow the movie would be a lot more complex than the book.
I think that there's a lot of storytelling techniques out there still to be explored and discovered for television and movies. Some of them are simple, and some are a little bit crazy. I have one idea in my head (that i'm not ready to share yet) for two movies that I think would be completely unhearlded. Unfortunately, I lack the skill set capacity to accomplish the task at this time. If i get off my @$$, maybe i'll be able to change that but it'll be very difficult.
I think people look at movies (or tv) and books as two seperate venues that can't coexist. You either write a book, and someone adapts it into a (half-empty) movie, or someone takes a movie and turns it into a (usually) boring version of the movie. We need writers to start looking at both, together. Why not write them simultaneously? Use them to complement each other, to support each other. Add extra scenes to the novel that will add depth to the movie, and vice versa! Or make the novel from one character's point of view, and the movie from someone elses. There's so much unexplored territory out there! We should start travelling there.
Another old character, storyline, that i've been toying with for awhile popped into mind and would probably work pretty well. the concept is titled "Reflections" (though that probably wouldn't be the final title), and is subtitled "A Fairy Tale for Grown-ups." Mostly it centers around the concept of a character who's mirror (and any other reflective surface nearby) doesn't reflect his own view--rather it reflects the view from someone else on the other side of the country. I think it could make for a fascinating movie--if i were doing it, i would actually film two movies, blue-out all the mirrors, glass, and reflective surfaces, and superimpose the second movie over the bluescreened reflective surfaces. Subtley, not so in-your-face like. Then, later, you could release the second movie (either to DVD or if you're lucky back in the theatres) with the first movie in the reflections. the trick would be to somehow make the two movies cross over in subtle ways that they would enhance each other in small bits and pieces but enough that it's worth doing.
Somehow the movie would be a lot more complex than the book.
I think that there's a lot of storytelling techniques out there still to be explored and discovered for television and movies. Some of them are simple, and some are a little bit crazy. I have one idea in my head (that i'm not ready to share yet) for two movies that I think would be completely unhearlded. Unfortunately, I lack the skill set capacity to accomplish the task at this time. If i get off my @$$, maybe i'll be able to change that but it'll be very difficult.
I think people look at movies (or tv) and books as two seperate venues that can't coexist. You either write a book, and someone adapts it into a (half-empty) movie, or someone takes a movie and turns it into a (usually) boring version of the movie. We need writers to start looking at both, together. Why not write them simultaneously? Use them to complement each other, to support each other. Add extra scenes to the novel that will add depth to the movie, and vice versa! Or make the novel from one character's point of view, and the movie from someone elses. There's so much unexplored territory out there! We should start travelling there.
Monday, July 13, 2009
my pair of Ace's lose, on the river, to Q9 when he trips his Q
Momentum is important. Miss a couple of days of the blogging thing, and it's hard to get back on the horse. But alas, here I am, trying to get something down on paper tonight. It's tricksy, because i'm not sure what to write about.
I played a bit of poker today, online. I play occasionally through PokerStars.net, though not for real money. Well, not for real money i paid for. The sight gave me 2 free dollars, and i've been nickle & diming with those. I was up to about 4$ earlier, but I had a string of bad calls and now i'm only down to 3$. That's after about 3 total sessions playing, though. So far, long-term, i'm winning. Slowly. Once I get a little bit more cushion, i'll play bigger games. I don't expect to make anything real out of it.
I also play with fake money on the sight, and from the $2000 I started with, I'm at over $25,000 now. That doesn't mean nearly as much, because a lot of the people playing with fake money are horrible and it's really easy to take the money from them. Mostly because they don't care and it doesn't cost them anything. That's why playing with fake money is only partial practice, because people don't very often play smart poker.
I played in a few tournaments. the first one, I made some bad calls and got knocked out quick-like (placed 6500-ish out of 9000). The second one, I did better, lasted a bit over an hour, but I made a call I knew I shouldn't, and it cost me (4100-ish out of 9000). the third one, I played good poker, and got crap luck (4900-ish out of 9000). It sucks when you make a solid call, statisticly you're going to win most every time, and then the other guy beats the odds and gets lucky on the river. Happened to me twice. Learned a lot, though, going forward. In theory.
I think i'm a pretty good poker player. not like, phenominal or professional level necissarily, but i'm defiantely better than your average bear. It makes sense to me, enough.
I'm still toying with the idea of my blogging novel. I have a character idea, a 40-somethign down-and-out poker player. Each "chapter" (blog entry) could be subtitled with a poker hand. He's got a lot more work to do before I'm ready to use him, but you gotta start with ideas. I could resurrect a few of my old characters (the American and the twins, Mono & Stereo) that could fit with him. *shrug* just sort of rambling.
With the online/blogging format (and a little planning ahead), you could even add a soundtrack to the blog (original, even!). Hmmm.
I played a bit of poker today, online. I play occasionally through PokerStars.net, though not for real money. Well, not for real money i paid for. The sight gave me 2 free dollars, and i've been nickle & diming with those. I was up to about 4$ earlier, but I had a string of bad calls and now i'm only down to 3$. That's after about 3 total sessions playing, though. So far, long-term, i'm winning. Slowly. Once I get a little bit more cushion, i'll play bigger games. I don't expect to make anything real out of it.
I also play with fake money on the sight, and from the $2000 I started with, I'm at over $25,000 now. That doesn't mean nearly as much, because a lot of the people playing with fake money are horrible and it's really easy to take the money from them. Mostly because they don't care and it doesn't cost them anything. That's why playing with fake money is only partial practice, because people don't very often play smart poker.
I played in a few tournaments. the first one, I made some bad calls and got knocked out quick-like (placed 6500-ish out of 9000). The second one, I did better, lasted a bit over an hour, but I made a call I knew I shouldn't, and it cost me (4100-ish out of 9000). the third one, I played good poker, and got crap luck (4900-ish out of 9000). It sucks when you make a solid call, statisticly you're going to win most every time, and then the other guy beats the odds and gets lucky on the river. Happened to me twice. Learned a lot, though, going forward. In theory.
I think i'm a pretty good poker player. not like, phenominal or professional level necissarily, but i'm defiantely better than your average bear. It makes sense to me, enough.
I'm still toying with the idea of my blogging novel. I have a character idea, a 40-somethign down-and-out poker player. Each "chapter" (blog entry) could be subtitled with a poker hand. He's got a lot more work to do before I'm ready to use him, but you gotta start with ideas. I could resurrect a few of my old characters (the American and the twins, Mono & Stereo) that could fit with him. *shrug* just sort of rambling.
With the online/blogging format (and a little planning ahead), you could even add a soundtrack to the blog (original, even!). Hmmm.
Friday, July 10, 2009
A Weakness for Unknown Melon Fruit
It's day 3 of my blogging scheme, and I still haven't decided exactly what to write about yet. Should decide quickly, 'cuz I've already started the entry.
If you wanna know the truth, I'm largely writing because my xBox is out of service. It died the other day, sunday night. Overheated and crashed the cpu. So I put in a word order for warranty repair, and that was easy enough. Of course, in order to get the prepaid shipping label that was promised with it took no less than an hour and a half on the phone with customer service, and five different customer service agents. Seriously. At one point, their solution was "why don't you just wait a few hours and try it again. if it doesn't work then just call back tomorrow."
On top of that, it's beign shipped via UPS. Not a big fan of UPS, and not just because I work for the competition. the last 3 times i've dealt with UPS, it's been customer service disasters. Nightmares. I would never use them voluntarily after those fiascos. But Microsoft was paying for the shipping and all, so I didn't have much of a choice.
Since I work for FedEx, i know a little bit about packing and such, so I packed up my xBox all pretty and perfectly, and then dropped it off at the UPS store down the street from my house. I was in a rush, so I gave it to the girl quick-like. She says to me, "wait, I need to give you your receipt." I don't need the receipt, she's got someone in line, i'm in a rush, and i've already got the tracking number, so I tells her, "I'm in a rush, I don't need it," and turn to leave.
She gives me this glare like I'm satan, lifts my box off of the weighing scale, and drops it on the floor. Bam! Good thing I'm a professional packer and the xBox was already broken. Ridiculous.
I can tell that this whole warranty shindig is going well. The last time I went through something like this (my HP laptop), i already had it there, fixed, and back in my hands by now. HP was a pleasure to work with about the whole thing. Too bad everyone else can't be the same...
I ate a Canary Mellon the othe day. Yeah. For sure. What the hell is that? I don't know. i saw it at Safeway and apparently I have a weakness for unknown melon fruit. This happened to me once before, with Starfruit. Odd fruits are pretty mild, I mean, at least after you've drank water out of a tree. and I do mean from the tree...machette to branch, water drips right out into your mouth. In the amazon jungle. Surrounded by an armada of mosquitos. That's just how we roll.
I've actually thought about writing a novel in blog format. You know, every day or every other day or somethign, update a few pages or whatever from the main character(s) pov. I'm not going to committ to doing that. Mostly because I don't think I'd finish it. Or even get very far. I have a bit of difficulty following through on projects. But it could be pretty cool, especially if you got a good viewership. you leave the ending pretty open when you start, so you can read all the comments your viewers have and steal all the good ideas from them.
Did you know you can put advertisements on yoru blog through Google, and they'll pay you for it!?! I don't knwo what to think about this, or hwo much they'll actually pay. Not betting on much. You might see from my lack of advertisement that i haven't bought in yet. Mostly i don't know much of it at all except that i have a tab on my blog that says "Monetize." How very verby.
that's all I got tonight. Not much, I know, but it's PRACTICE. to stop sucking. wit hthe writing. suffer with me.
If you wanna know the truth, I'm largely writing because my xBox is out of service. It died the other day, sunday night. Overheated and crashed the cpu. So I put in a word order for warranty repair, and that was easy enough. Of course, in order to get the prepaid shipping label that was promised with it took no less than an hour and a half on the phone with customer service, and five different customer service agents. Seriously. At one point, their solution was "why don't you just wait a few hours and try it again. if it doesn't work then just call back tomorrow."
On top of that, it's beign shipped via UPS. Not a big fan of UPS, and not just because I work for the competition. the last 3 times i've dealt with UPS, it's been customer service disasters. Nightmares. I would never use them voluntarily after those fiascos. But Microsoft was paying for the shipping and all, so I didn't have much of a choice.
Since I work for FedEx, i know a little bit about packing and such, so I packed up my xBox all pretty and perfectly, and then dropped it off at the UPS store down the street from my house. I was in a rush, so I gave it to the girl quick-like. She says to me, "wait, I need to give you your receipt." I don't need the receipt, she's got someone in line, i'm in a rush, and i've already got the tracking number, so I tells her, "I'm in a rush, I don't need it," and turn to leave.
She gives me this glare like I'm satan, lifts my box off of the weighing scale, and drops it on the floor. Bam! Good thing I'm a professional packer and the xBox was already broken. Ridiculous.
I can tell that this whole warranty shindig is going well. The last time I went through something like this (my HP laptop), i already had it there, fixed, and back in my hands by now. HP was a pleasure to work with about the whole thing. Too bad everyone else can't be the same...
I ate a Canary Mellon the othe day. Yeah. For sure. What the hell is that? I don't know. i saw it at Safeway and apparently I have a weakness for unknown melon fruit. This happened to me once before, with Starfruit. Odd fruits are pretty mild, I mean, at least after you've drank water out of a tree. and I do mean from the tree...machette to branch, water drips right out into your mouth. In the amazon jungle. Surrounded by an armada of mosquitos. That's just how we roll.
I've actually thought about writing a novel in blog format. You know, every day or every other day or somethign, update a few pages or whatever from the main character(s) pov. I'm not going to committ to doing that. Mostly because I don't think I'd finish it. Or even get very far. I have a bit of difficulty following through on projects. But it could be pretty cool, especially if you got a good viewership. you leave the ending pretty open when you start, so you can read all the comments your viewers have and steal all the good ideas from them.
Did you know you can put advertisements on yoru blog through Google, and they'll pay you for it!?! I don't knwo what to think about this, or hwo much they'll actually pay. Not betting on much. You might see from my lack of advertisement that i haven't bought in yet. Mostly i don't know much of it at all except that i have a tab on my blog that says "Monetize." How very verby.
that's all I got tonight. Not much, I know, but it's PRACTICE. to stop sucking. wit hthe writing. suffer with me.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
It was a dark and stormy night, except that it wasn't.
It sucks. I have to teach myself to write again. It sucks not being able to write well, especially when you're a good writer! I mean, that's what i'm good at! I understand words! I dont' always get them right the first time, and they don't always pass from my brain through my fingers quite like I'd want them to, but I can write!
Well, not right now 'cuz I pretty much suck at it. Of course that just means I have to write a little bit more often.
I blame Facebook, you know. at least when Livejournal was my social networking sight, I had to write something more dense than a single sentence status.
You commented the other day, Melissa, that I don't update my sight any more, and I don't update facebook that much. Well, relatively. I update facebook a couple times a day, but compared to many--not enough. i can't even keep up with facebook. I'm not going to glue myself to my phone to verify that i've caught all 80 or so updates that happen while i'm at work. Come on now, really? seriously?
I'm not a very clever blog writer. Mostly. occassionally, i hit something decent back in the LJ days, but most of the time I fall flat. It's an input/output imbalance in my brain. Man, i wish you could hear these entries as they get planned out in my head while i'm wasting time at work or riding my bike or shopping for jalapeno peppers. The themes are much more, and more developed on top of that.
I can tell you very specifically the books and authors that have had a vast influence on my writing. The short list would read:
I have recognized several "trademarks" of my fictional writing. Most of you haven't read much of my fiction, so you probably don't know what i'm talking about. Some of it appears in my blogging and other randomness, but these are the things that appear frequently in my writing.
I tend to be very repetiative of a word or phrase. I will very often repeat the same idea twice, sometimes word-for-word with slightly different transition words. yes, I know I just did that, and no, believe it or not, i did not do it purposely. I use bad sentence structure (fragments and run-ons), and tend to change the subject quite often. Sometimes in the middle of paragraphs, and occassionally in the middle of sentences. I use double-negatives and will oftentimes describe something by what it's not rather than what it is. I contradict myself (this is one of my favorites, for example the opening line to a fairy tale i'm sort of writing:
Well, not right now 'cuz I pretty much suck at it. Of course that just means I have to write a little bit more often.
I blame Facebook, you know. at least when Livejournal was my social networking sight, I had to write something more dense than a single sentence status.
You commented the other day, Melissa, that I don't update my sight any more, and I don't update facebook that much. Well, relatively. I update facebook a couple times a day, but compared to many--not enough. i can't even keep up with facebook. I'm not going to glue myself to my phone to verify that i've caught all 80 or so updates that happen while i'm at work. Come on now, really? seriously?
I'm not a very clever blog writer. Mostly. occassionally, i hit something decent back in the LJ days, but most of the time I fall flat. It's an input/output imbalance in my brain. Man, i wish you could hear these entries as they get planned out in my head while i'm wasting time at work or riding my bike or shopping for jalapeno peppers. The themes are much more, and more developed on top of that.
I can tell you very specifically the books and authors that have had a vast influence on my writing. The short list would read:
- Hitchikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams
- Discworld series by Terry Pratchett
- You Shall Know Our Velocity & A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius by David Eggers
- 100 Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez
- Catch 22 by Joseph Heller
- As She Climbed Across the Table, Gun with Occassional Music, & Girl in Landscape by Jonathon Lethem
- The Road by Cormac McCarthy
I have recognized several "trademarks" of my fictional writing. Most of you haven't read much of my fiction, so you probably don't know what i'm talking about. Some of it appears in my blogging and other randomness, but these are the things that appear frequently in my writing.
I tend to be very repetiative of a word or phrase. I will very often repeat the same idea twice, sometimes word-for-word with slightly different transition words. yes, I know I just did that, and no, believe it or not, i did not do it purposely. I use bad sentence structure (fragments and run-ons), and tend to change the subject quite often. Sometimes in the middle of paragraphs, and occassionally in the middle of sentences. I use double-negatives and will oftentimes describe something by what it's not rather than what it is. I contradict myself (this is one of my favorites, for example the opening line to a fairy tale i'm sort of writing:
"It was a dark and stormy night, except that it wasn't. In fact, it was not stormy and hardly dark at all, a fact which made it exceptionally difficult to be night, unless the place of our story were nearest the north pole during summerstime. It's not.")
Also, I use lots of unnecissary and repetitious transition words. But it's only because that's sort of the way i think. And I think it gives my work sort of a signature. And yes, this time, i did it on purpose.
Hmmm. There are a few adverbs there. Never noticed that before. Stephen King would be very angry. he dislikes adverbs. he's racist towards adverbs.
Maybe i'll get back in the verb of it. Much as I do in real life, though in real life it's certianly not intentional, I'll invent new uses for words. there's a propensity of good ideas here.
I hate not being good at writing. Dislike it, even. You could say we dont get along. it's hard to not be good at something you do quite well, usually because it drives you crazy yourself.
I can write dialog really well, at least when i'm writing well again. It's somethign i've always been good at, as far back as grade school. At least, that is, according to other people. I dunno, i have a pretty natural feel for writing the rhythm and flow of speech. It sticks out like a sore thumb to me when writers don't get it right, especially on TV & movies. because of this, i went through a phase where I wanted to become a scriptwriter. I could be really good at it. You don't write the same volume of words, you concentrate heavily on dialog, and then someone else makes your vague action look really cool without you even having to describe it all. i read books about it by screenwriters I admire. I got books of scripts by people I admire and people i dont' care about but other people admire. Scripts are rather dull to read by themselves. Hard to admire. maybe i should write plays. I don't know enough about play production, but you can play fun Gilmore Girls games with dialogs.
Anyways, i'm going to try to practice a little more, because maybe i'll get back to where i can write as good as i can write. i certianly think that i would love more than anythign else in this world to write a novel someday. i'm pretty sure it could be good.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
A True Story as Told by a Liar
Someone recently asked me why I believed in God. It's a good question. Seems pretty important. Except, of course, that I couldn't really answer it. I mean, I had my stock answer ("Because it's true") but that bait ain't gonna catch much fish.
this is not a doubting post. This is also a post that may not be able to answer that question.
I have never doubted the existence of God (specifically, the Christian god) and His son Jesus and that other guy, the Holy Spirit. Sure, i've had lots of questions for them, disagreements, arguements, and doubts about what they've said, but never doubts about His existence. Not once. Since as long as I can remember. But why? I mean, really?
I don't ahve a classy conversion story. I never had a moment where God spoke to me. No flashes of light. Heck, I can't even remember a specific time where I did the cliche christianese "asked Jesus into my heart." I don't even know if I could tell you what that means.
I was asked recently to give my testimony. It was a small group excersize, and it was only sharing with another christian friend. I wasn't prepared. I don't know if I even understand my story, how am I supposed to tell it to someone in a way that shows the Gospel in my life.
And so I sort of made it up as I went. A true story as told by a liar. I mean, I didn't invent any of it, I didn't lie, but I'm glad it was in front of another Christian, 'cuz I don't think it would have done much to present the Gospel. I talked about my life while workign with teh bands before, and my life after I moved to california. I didn't really connect it to the Gospel. Practices are good, i suppose, because I'm pretty durn sure I could tell it a lot better next time.
But that's just a story. We use it to show a point. It's not a very good one, because it hardly contains all the elements: setting, conflict, climax, and resolution. How do we get there? What's the prequel?
My friend Jesse has a good converstion story. He's a very smart guy - he's got a very good grasp of how he came to where he is. He can tell you where he was (metaphoricly), what he thought about, and how he decided to come to where he is. Very intellectual, in the good sort of way. Add a couple of right angles and you've got a 180 degree turn. Jesse's story makes a lot of sense. it's very simple, well rather more straightforward rather than un-complicated.
Mikey G's story is simultaneously exactly the same and completely different. there's less facts and more philosophy in his story. He was one way, and then his life got very existential, and then somewhere on the other side he came out and decided to become a christian and then sort of did it. I don't understand Mikey's story, but not in a bad way. I imagine the truth is easier, but Mikey has read a lot of books by people who died a long time ago and had a lot of time to write down hot air. I say this not to critisize, but because I don't really understand those people, and so I don't understand Mikey's story as well as maybe I could. Mikey is one of my dearest friends in the world, and the way he lives his life tells me more about the Gospel than his story, so i guess that's ok.
I don't know most of my friend Harold the Gopher Boy's story, but it made the most sense to me. There was a lot of brokenness and pain and confusion but there was a burning passion and a love and a deep devotion that he shared a lot. Harold can't tell his story any more, he left the rest of us to do it on our own behalf.
But I don't have a story like any of that. But i think that in order for me to understand my own reasons why, I need these stories. Well, not these specific ones because my foundation had already been built before I met any of these people. they have strengthened my beliefs, and have provided a great deal of wisdom to learn and continue to grow from.
I think i believe in God because of my parents. and my grandparents. they believed, and not just on the surface. I was raised surrounded by deep conviction in the truth of God, and it couldn't help but rub off. John Gray believed and he pourded that belief into me even when i didn't understand. Larry believed, and he poured that into me, even when i didn't cooperate very well, or even act like I was buying it.
I guess I gained the intellectual side of belief there. the fact or fiction. But i'm not sure that I've learned the emotional side. Fully, at least. I think that might be my own stubornness. Or at least my lack of confidence. But at least I know it. Everyone's gotta start somewhere.
this is not a doubting post. This is also a post that may not be able to answer that question.
I have never doubted the existence of God (specifically, the Christian god) and His son Jesus and that other guy, the Holy Spirit. Sure, i've had lots of questions for them, disagreements, arguements, and doubts about what they've said, but never doubts about His existence. Not once. Since as long as I can remember. But why? I mean, really?
I don't ahve a classy conversion story. I never had a moment where God spoke to me. No flashes of light. Heck, I can't even remember a specific time where I did the cliche christianese "asked Jesus into my heart." I don't even know if I could tell you what that means.
I was asked recently to give my testimony. It was a small group excersize, and it was only sharing with another christian friend. I wasn't prepared. I don't know if I even understand my story, how am I supposed to tell it to someone in a way that shows the Gospel in my life.
And so I sort of made it up as I went. A true story as told by a liar. I mean, I didn't invent any of it, I didn't lie, but I'm glad it was in front of another Christian, 'cuz I don't think it would have done much to present the Gospel. I talked about my life while workign with teh bands before, and my life after I moved to california. I didn't really connect it to the Gospel. Practices are good, i suppose, because I'm pretty durn sure I could tell it a lot better next time.
But that's just a story. We use it to show a point. It's not a very good one, because it hardly contains all the elements: setting, conflict, climax, and resolution. How do we get there? What's the prequel?
My friend Jesse has a good converstion story. He's a very smart guy - he's got a very good grasp of how he came to where he is. He can tell you where he was (metaphoricly), what he thought about, and how he decided to come to where he is. Very intellectual, in the good sort of way. Add a couple of right angles and you've got a 180 degree turn. Jesse's story makes a lot of sense. it's very simple, well rather more straightforward rather than un-complicated.
Mikey G's story is simultaneously exactly the same and completely different. there's less facts and more philosophy in his story. He was one way, and then his life got very existential, and then somewhere on the other side he came out and decided to become a christian and then sort of did it. I don't understand Mikey's story, but not in a bad way. I imagine the truth is easier, but Mikey has read a lot of books by people who died a long time ago and had a lot of time to write down hot air. I say this not to critisize, but because I don't really understand those people, and so I don't understand Mikey's story as well as maybe I could. Mikey is one of my dearest friends in the world, and the way he lives his life tells me more about the Gospel than his story, so i guess that's ok.
I don't know most of my friend Harold the Gopher Boy's story, but it made the most sense to me. There was a lot of brokenness and pain and confusion but there was a burning passion and a love and a deep devotion that he shared a lot. Harold can't tell his story any more, he left the rest of us to do it on our own behalf.
But I don't have a story like any of that. But i think that in order for me to understand my own reasons why, I need these stories. Well, not these specific ones because my foundation had already been built before I met any of these people. they have strengthened my beliefs, and have provided a great deal of wisdom to learn and continue to grow from.
I think i believe in God because of my parents. and my grandparents. they believed, and not just on the surface. I was raised surrounded by deep conviction in the truth of God, and it couldn't help but rub off. John Gray believed and he pourded that belief into me even when i didn't understand. Larry believed, and he poured that into me, even when i didn't cooperate very well, or even act like I was buying it.
I guess I gained the intellectual side of belief there. the fact or fiction. But i'm not sure that I've learned the emotional side. Fully, at least. I think that might be my own stubornness. Or at least my lack of confidence. But at least I know it. Everyone's gotta start somewhere.
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