A True Story as Told by a Liar

Someone recently asked me why I believed in God. It's a good question. Seems pretty important. Except, of course, that I couldn't really answer it. I mean, I had my stock answer ("Because it's true") but that bait ain't gonna catch much fish.

this is not a doubting post. This is also a post that may not be able to answer that question.

I have never doubted the existence of God (specifically, the Christian god) and His son Jesus and that other guy, the Holy Spirit. Sure, i've had lots of questions for them, disagreements, arguements, and doubts about what they've said, but never doubts about His existence. Not once. Since as long as I can remember. But why? I mean, really?

I don't ahve a classy conversion story. I never had a moment where God spoke to me. No flashes of light. Heck, I can't even remember a specific time where I did the cliche christianese "asked Jesus into my heart." I don't even know if I could tell you what that means.

I was asked recently to give my testimony. It was a small group excersize, and it was only sharing with another christian friend. I wasn't prepared. I don't know if I even understand my story, how am I supposed to tell it to someone in a way that shows the Gospel in my life.

And so I sort of made it up as I went. A true story as told by a liar. I mean, I didn't invent any of it, I didn't lie, but I'm glad it was in front of another Christian, 'cuz I don't think it would have done much to present the Gospel. I talked about my life while workign with teh bands before, and my life after I moved to california. I didn't really connect it to the Gospel. Practices are good, i suppose, because I'm pretty durn sure I could tell it a lot better next time.

But that's just a story. We use it to show a point. It's not a very good one, because it hardly contains all the elements: setting, conflict, climax, and resolution. How do we get there? What's the prequel?

My friend Jesse has a good converstion story. He's a very smart guy - he's got a very good grasp of how he came to where he is. He can tell you where he was (metaphoricly), what he thought about, and how he decided to come to where he is. Very intellectual, in the good sort of way. Add a couple of right angles and you've got a 180 degree turn. Jesse's story makes a lot of sense. it's very simple, well rather more straightforward rather than un-complicated.

Mikey G's story is simultaneously exactly the same and completely different. there's less facts and more philosophy in his story. He was one way, and then his life got very existential, and then somewhere on the other side he came out and decided to become a christian and then sort of did it. I don't understand Mikey's story, but not in a bad way. I imagine the truth is easier, but Mikey has read a lot of books by people who died a long time ago and had a lot of time to write down hot air. I say this not to critisize, but because I don't really understand those people, and so I don't understand Mikey's story as well as maybe I could. Mikey is one of my dearest friends in the world, and the way he lives his life tells me more about the Gospel than his story, so i guess that's ok.

I don't know most of my friend Harold the Gopher Boy's story, but it made the most sense to me. There was a lot of brokenness and pain and confusion but there was a burning passion and a love and a deep devotion that he shared a lot. Harold can't tell his story any more, he left the rest of us to do it on our own behalf.

But I don't have a story like any of that. But i think that in order for me to understand my own reasons why, I need these stories. Well, not these specific ones because my foundation had already been built before I met any of these people. they have strengthened my beliefs, and have provided a great deal of wisdom to learn and continue to grow from.

I think i believe in God because of my parents. and my grandparents. they believed, and not just on the surface. I was raised surrounded by deep conviction in the truth of God, and it couldn't help but rub off. John Gray believed and he pourded that belief into me even when i didn't understand. Larry believed, and he poured that into me, even when i didn't cooperate very well, or even act like I was buying it.

I guess I gained the intellectual side of belief there. the fact or fiction. But i'm not sure that I've learned the emotional side. Fully, at least. I think that might be my own stubornness. Or at least my lack of confidence. But at least I know it. Everyone's gotta start somewhere.